Living Outside the Binary
Gender rebels or simply human?
Cam Sandercock. They/He.
When Cam asks what eyeshadow would suit them the most, they lean over the table to look at the vast abundance of pigments. Lime green, burnt orange, and a vibrant, shimmering purple.
“I think this one suits this look the most, could we do that?”
Pointing to the purple, Cam slides over their phone. A photo of a fair, blonde elven creature fills the screen. The features are androgenous, angular and possess a strange, alien-like beauty.
Cam’s small group of friends are finishing up a year-long fantasy game of dungeons and dragons. After much deliberation, they each chose their characters and started getting their costumes together for the final adventure.
“Go all out on whatever you want with the makeup,” Cam suggests tentatively. “It’s my first time, so I’m all in.”
Finishing up the final touches, the mirror is lifted to Cam’s face.
“Open your eyes,” the makeup artist says.
There is a moment when Cam’s lips tighten. Inspecting the makeup closely, the tightened expression turns to a smile. Small tears well around the edges of their eyes.
“It’s hard to find words to describe it” Cam fumbles quietly.
“It’s like, this is the first time I’ve looked in a mirror and can see myself staring back.”
.
“We started photography together and then we started talking, and arguing, about Christianity together,” he says. “I started thinking critically. I realised that you shouldn’t be applying things from a different culture, society and time to the modern-day.”
“That was the impetus for me to question everything,” they say.
Now 27 years old, working as a photographer and well-loved by all of the local creatives for being an avid feminist and defender of the arts, Cam often likes to muse over the ironic role religion played in coming to terms with their gender.
“As I began to think more and more, my tendency was to model compassion and empathy in all of my values from then on, […] In my opinion, that’s what Jesus was trying to do.”
Mark 12:31 NIV: “The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Many years of Cam’s early 20s were spent listening, reading and consuming the voices of minorities within the queer community.
What started as a desire to show love and compassion to all people, led to Cam uncovering a buried part of their identity.
“I found a part of me that I never even had a concept or understanding of…. Not even just the words to describe how I felt as non-binary, but an understanding that this was even an option.”
While exploring the non-binary experience, empathy turned into a growing connection with the narrative of other queer voices.
“Listening to these people I was like holy shit this is something that I really feel attached to.”
“This is me.”
Now openly identifying as a non-binary person, the reality of a world rigid with only two gender categories for 7.7 billion people took its toll.
“Be male or female…or be the other.”
Metamorphosis
A few months have passed since Cam first had their makeup done. They now sit across from me with smudged black eyeliner, orange eyeshadow and a few new tattoos. The fine black ink of flowers, hands and houses jumps out against their pale skin.
Their hair is longer, now chin length. Cam tells me they’ve bought their first eyelash curler and multi-colour eyeshadow palette.
”Like most people, I'm looking for that feeling when I look in the mirror and feel really great about how I look.”
Cam sits comfortably back into their seat, hair long enough to tuck behind their eyes, revealing several silver earrings of a few odd shapes and patterns.
After experimenting during some Dungeons and Dragons games with their closest friends, Cam has begun their journey towards authentic gender expression in their everyday life.
“When I started seeing myself with long hair, no facial hair and makeup and jewellery that I actually liked, it was a different kind of comfort and acceptance that I felt when I saw myself.”
Now more comfortable than ever, Cam reflects on the importance of not only having the freedom of gender expression but knowing that those around him have a genuine desire to understand why this is so important.
“Recently, I've found friends who are supportive and validating of how I feel,” Cam says through a small smile.
“They've helped me feel comfortable expressing myself and listening to what I need and making those needs known instead of minimising them.”
The gender binary is something that is deeply ingrained in everyday life. Whether we are booking a flight, looking for new clothes or using a public bathroom, the options are limited to the constant duality - male or female.
For Cam, the non-binary identity was an expression that came much later in life.
“When you grow up in a church, from the onset you are just told things and told this is the way things are,” Cam says earnestly.
At 18 years-old, Cam first started working as a photographer on the South Coast.
Coming from a family of evangelical Christians, Cam quickly made friends with another young local photographer of the Christadelphian faith.
The simple act of wearing makeup coincided with heightened confidence and comfortability when interacting with new people, old friends and family Cam was yet to officially “come out” to.
"I think because I have this understanding within myself of how I feel like I'm between, outside of, and a part of the binary genders. I don't want people to forget that.”
“I want them to see how I see myself and a part of who I am inside."
Mental Health and Non-binary people in Australia
In a 2020 report by the LGBTI National Health Alliance, the data showed that people like Cameron and other gender diverse individuals experienced poorer mental health outcomes than the majority of Australians.
Compared to the general population and the lesbian, gay and bisexual community, non-binary people experienced higher levels of anxiety, depression and suicidality.
For people like Cam, these poorer mental health outcomes are often linked to the ‘minority stress’.
These are the chronic stressors that non-binary people face on the basis of their gender identity.
“I have a lot of anxiety-related problems which are usually triggered by microaggressions,” Cam says.
“But the general misunderstanding of my gender definitely ramps this up.”
Cam often avoids environments with large crowds, particularly live gigs and festivals. When it comes to gender expression and physical appearance, Cam had to learn that there are some places that are safer than others.
“Anxiety. That is my predominant feeling when I’m in an environment where I don’t think the people will understand me” he murmurs quietly.
“The anxiety just gains more control.”
