Just a Phase
Exploring bisexuality, exclusion and stereotyping
Thirteen is usually the age when you start your first year of high school. You’re worried about going to a whole new school, whether you’ll make friends or not and if you’ll like your teachers. But Tylah had something else to worry about too; how she’d come out to her family and friends as bisexual.
What she feared most was the reaction from her dad, yet when the moment came, he was more supportive than ever.
“He picked me up after school and he started to drive the wrong way home, so I knew something was up. He pulled the car over and he started playing this inspirational speech his coach used to play to his team before a footy game. Once it had stopped playing, he said, “You’re my daughter, nothing’s going to change that. I want you to be happy and if you’re happy dating girls, then I’m happy.”
What surprised her though was the reaction from her mum...
"Oh, it's probably just a phase."
Tylah recalls her mum then saying that even when she was younger, she thought she had feelings towards her girl best friends.
“I told her I don’t think it’s like that and she told me to really think about myself for a second.”
Bisexuals are an invisible sexual minority. The bisexual population is often ignored, erased, and discriminated against by both homosexual and heterosexual individuals and communities. This is true despite the fact that bisexuals outnumber both lesbian women and gay men.
Bisexual individuals face unique challenges and varied forms of discrimination and erasure. While bisexuals face many of the same hardships that gays and lesbians encounter, bisexuals face the additional burden of “double discrimination”: they face discrimination by both heterosexuals and homosexuals.
Bisexual people are often seen by both straight and gay people as “greedy” and “promiscuous,” as having not “picked a side,” or as just “going through a phase.” Some people refuse to believe that bisexuality exists at all.
Bisexuals are relatively invisible because most people have a tendency to presume that all individuals are either gay or straight, depending on the gender of their current partner.
Tylah says she is no stranger to this type of comment.
“People have said to me before that I’m not gay because I’m dating a guy and when I tell them that I’m actually bisexual and have dated a girl before they say “you were gay then.” Like, no. That’s not how it works.”
“I still find both men and women attractive, it’s not that hard to understand."
"I find a person attractive for who they are, not their gender.”
Bisexuals are also less visible because they are less likely than their gay and lesbian peers to come out.
Tylah believes bisexual people may be less likely to come out as they might not feel like they have to until they start dating a person of the same sex or they may just feel like they don’t have to come out at all.
“No matter what sexuality you are, is there a point in coming out? Why do we need to? I don’t remember coming out as bi myself. I never actually said, “I’m bisexual.”
Tylah recounts her coming out stories now seven years later with laughter, realising that she never actually came out as bisexual at all.
“All I said was that I liked a girl. When I dated a guy after my relationship with a girl my aunty said to me “I thought you were gay.” I think that’s also when my parents realised that I was bisexual and not gay, because I never actually said it.”
All of Tylah's family and friends have been very supportive and accept her for who she is. Tylah believes that social media and awareness of queer people and issues have helped them to understand.
"Social media has spread awareness about queerness. They’ve seen different things, they’ve heard different things, gay marriage has now been legalised. They know it’s not their life. They can have an opinion on it, but they can’t change it. They just want me to be happy."
Mental Health and bisexual people in Australia
Bisexual people have consistently been found to have poorer mental health than their gay, lesbian or heterosexual counterparts. They are significantly more likely than those of other sexual orientations to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder, have symptoms of depression and anxiety, harm themselves and report suicidal ideation.
Tylah has struggled with her mental health since she was eight years old.
“I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was eight. When I was about twelve, I was diagnosed with depression and again with anxiety that was related to mental health.”
She noticed that coming out had an effect on her pre-existing mental health issues.
“My anxiety and depression got worse after I came out. Coming out triggered my defences a lot more.”
“There was a lot of stigma around being depressed, having anxiety and mental health issues while being bisexual.
"There was always the idea that if I wasn’t bisexual, then I wouldn’t be depressed.”
Growing up Tylah said she would often suppress her feelings and not open up about them due to things her family would say around the house.
“I held everything in. When gay people came on the tv my dad would say something stupid so I would think that I couldn’t tell anyone about how I was feeling.”
This led to another recent diagnosis for Tylah.
“I recently had to go to a psychologist and they diagnosed me with adult-onset tics, caused by the suppression of my mental illnesses and not opening up about my feelings, my sexuality and my identity.”
She says if she had opened up about her feelings earlier, she may not have developed adult-onset tics.
"If I had opened up when I was earlier, when I was younger, I could have avoided having these tics."
"Everything suppressed down into a ball soon blows up."
Over the years Tylah has found ways to cope with her mental health, often using art as an outlet for her feelings.
Tylah now wants young queer people to know that they shouldn’t hold things in and to open up about their feelings.
“Hiding things and not talking about it isn’t good. You’re building a barrier in your mind and then when you want to talk about it you can’t. Because you’ll feel you’ll be judged, or that something will happen if you do.”
She also wants people to know that if you're struggling with mental health, it's okay to seek help.
"Take care of yourself and the situations your in. It depends on what you’re going through as to what you can get help with. And how you get help is the most important part, whether that’s from friends and family or a counsellor or phycologist. Even the local GP. Whatever works for you, as long as you’re okay and getting help."
